Let Me Vent Series: Let Me Holla At The Brothers

This recent news of Chris Rock divorcing his loyal wife and mother of his children after nearly 20 years of marriage has me so twisted... and I wanted to take the time out to holla at the brothers because I'm so far from a black man hater.. I love my black men from all the many places they come from, but the way you dog black women is lowdown and unacceptable. What I often wonder is what will happen to your little black daughters.. I wonder if think twice if you imagined some other brother doing them the way you do us? You seem to think you are too good for a black woman.. as if we don't float your boat. I know its because of some deep rooted hate you have for yourself, your family and your roots... I know its because the media classically paints sexy black men with non black women.. I know you think you are getting some sort of prize, but ironically you are often met with the very reasons why you are better suited for a woman of color. You happen to notice the differences of culture,housekeeping, religion and parenting.. you find yourself longing for the very attributes you turned your nose up on... and Oh, I know it to be true.. I have so many black guy friends that have confided in me such truths.. Stop it.... stop estranging yourself.. stop puffing out your chest because you are no better than the woman that birthed you.... No other woman will be as loyal to you as we will, and that is real talk.....

Let Me Vent Series: "You Are A Strong Black Woman"

Let me be the one to tell you... I hate being identified as strong. I hate that for some reason people think I dont hurt or need comforting just like someone they perceive to not be strong. The truth of the matter is there is nothing more than I want than to be weak. I wish that people would do things for me and feel sorry for me. i wish that people could help me. Im strong by default because noone cared enough to make a way for me.. I would gladly love to share the burdens I bare as a black woman with someone else... to shed my spotlight and my influence to be another indistinct number. im not some power crazed person who loves to be in control, but the lack in this world is what made me step up.... and thats real.

Let Me Vent Series: The Black Expat Search

Does it piss anyone else off that there are always two different categories of life??? When I do research there is the 'American' experience and then the 'African American' experience... it drives me up a wall that there is such a discrepancy between the two..... For instance I just looked up expatriate (which for those of you that don't know are people that move from their home country to another country) I can find loads of information on white expats worldwide.. When I try to search specifically for a black American etc... nothing. I know that the expat experience will be drastically different for black and white Americans. Its so frustrating, and the very reason why I provide my blog and YouTube channel... because its just ridiculous that we are not providing the same resources for each other. I know I couldn't possibly be the only person interested in such topics (especially based off the number of responses I get about the various subjects I post about) I think we, as black innovators need to do a better job of providing the knowledge base to our peers of positive, forward- thinking, progressive black people. We need to step up..... If you have ever come across subjects you cant find resources on then please provide the resource... it is in dire need....... 

Me in Barcelona, Spain (October 2014)

Forge through.....

A lesson of maturity; transitioning from girlfriend to wife

In America women are promoted to be equal with our men. We are told that we can lead our houses just like men. We go to the finest schools, buy expensive power-suits,enter corporate America and lead. we are taught to believe that we can operate successfully like a man in every dimension, which is mortally false. These are some of the reasons I believe we struggle to find love with a real man, or if we manage to attract real man, the reason I believe we fail to maintain it. As a wife i have accepted the fact that I can not contend with my husband. I have watched as the double standards have penetrated our house and its not just my house... but the house of all my other married friends as well. A real wife must be patient and humble. which is the complete inverse for many of us that have been molded into this 'independent'creature. Its hard for us to sit back and let someone take the credit for all of our hard work. After all, we climbed the ladder on our own recognizance, no one ever made excuses for us. However I am here to tell you... none of that matters if you desire to have the type of man that will take care of you. Your marriage will require the utmost level of sacrifice and you will have to deprogram all that you have been taught of the 'independent' woman. There is a reason that marriage of yesteryear survived so long... and I believe it in large part to attributed to women knowing their place... It was never that the husbands didn't challenge the wives... but it was the take of the wives on the importance of the commitment and the togetherness of the family that convinced them to push through tough times. It taught resilience.. which is now absent in our current culture. As a girlfriend, you can make demands.. you get the luxury of liberty; or pushing the boundaries, but as the wife you will find yourself locked into sometimes extremely taxing and trying situations. It took me a while to learn the difference between a wife and a girlfriend. The girlfriend stage is all about you whereas the wife stage is all about him. I must also again state these are the thoughts and opinion of my blog.. you dont have to subscribe to them in any way.... but these are my real life observations. Especially if you happen to be dating an African man.. you will def experience the difference. African men cherish their wives, no matter what. They look at her as someone to be respected and not defiled. As the girlfriend you will experience more liberty.

Accountability ; part of the leaders life.... not for everyone

Growing up with a younger sister cultivated a deep preference to only be accountable for myself. Becase i was older i would find myself getting rerimanded for her actions and i hated it. Today my Pastor called me out for being thirty minutes late to church....in many different settings.... i am forced to become accountable for those around me. It is frustrating,  yet the mark of a leader. Obviously not everyone that reads this will be able to relate. Some never will know the cost of accountability, the innate pull of leadership. Accountability strengthens the leaders validity because after all noone wants to follow someone that can not demonstrate victory in their own live. I extol all the leaders out there to remember that we are held to a different standard and that is because we are the everyday examples for those around us. There is a special reason people look to us for guidance, and it is important that we fulfill our God given, great purpose of leading in a proper way.

Let Me Vent Series: And The Truth Is.. No I Did Not Wake Up Like This....

It has taken years to cultivate my look and my mind. It is nothing that can be achieved overnight, be assured. To create a vast vocabulary, it has taken hundreds of books, years of education and much correction. True beauty is truly skin deep. I believe that there is too much focus on simply the exterior. The woman who made such a phrase even popular knows good and well she "didnt wake up like that" smh. All I can promote at www.blkandtrue.blogspot.com is that you concentrate your emphasis on enhancing your heart and soul because your looks can and will fade. It is advice that I also apply to myself...... ~Stay black and true. 

Cultural Differences: The Effect of External Influences on Your African Man

I selected an African man for specific reasons: Genes, Tradition, Community,Ambition among others just to name a few. However, I was unaware of the large influence that he would be subjected too living in the states. Some foreigners hold fast to their foreign way of life, but you will find many others are more open to experiencing American life since their migration. For me.... this became somewhat of an issue. My husband went from enjoying the occasional soccer game to watching every NBA & NFL game. He went from listening to Makossa (Cameroonian french music) to repeating the lyrics of 2chainz and Lil Wayne. He went from tailored suits to a more casual look to blend in with his peers except I didn't want all those things.... those were actually the very attributes I wanted to avoid, and I found myself extremely frustrated by his ability to be influenced in what I regarded as an negative direction. It caused us much strife in the beginning because I was very estranged from who my husband was becoming.. and he didn't understand why I was upset. I felt duped and lied too because of course I wanted an "African" man. American influence is very strong, and I now can understand that being away from home is such a big transition. Eventually my husband learned exactly why certain things were not favorable, and reverted back to the groundwork that he had learned, but he did also tell me that I had to learn patience with him. He also desired to have the same sense of belonging that any other human wishes to have. If you are dating a man that has recently come to the states, this can present a huge hurdle for you, as all of the experiences you have come to have after a lifetime of learning, your mate is just beginning that journey as an adult. My advice would be communicate with your mate. I often explained lyrics to songs and broke down the connotations of slang. My husband shared how hilarious it was to learn some of the meanings of movies and music that he had learned whilst abroad. To him, they were simply words, and African Americans that had made it and become successful were simply icons. Alot of the media that foreigners are shown abroad about the American life is misleading and alluring all at the same time. As is it our home we know the fact from fiction, but a foreigner would never be able to make that discernment until they had the opportunity to experience it for themselves.

I understand the anger.... (Mike Brown Verdict)

Looking good but no function

A recent experience showed me exactly how annoying it really is to have something/ someone that looks good, but without functionality. No one wants a man that looks good, but has no substance; just as no one wants a woman that looks good that doesn't handle the basics (cooking &cleaning). I believe that this is a real issue for us Americans, because alot of the focus of our lives goes into the image rather than the substance. If you don't mind simply having a great image, then no need to change, but if your desire is to have more meaning and more connection in you life, then you will have to cultivate more substance in your life. It is challenging to assess yourself.. or to be assessed by someone that you love, however that assessment can be used as a tool to self improvement and a more fulfilling future. Do not take offense, be open minded and begin to strategize how you will use the feedback to springboard forward.

Black Woman... You are so gorgeous.....

With all the most disparaging things in the American media that can damage and discourage black women, I can not cease to remind all my women of color... how gorgeous you are.. how fantastic and smart you are... and full of innovation. Today, I want to highlight five of our most beautiful qualities:

1. OUR HUMOR
I have to admit.. my friends are some of the most witty and uplifting people I know. They have great spirits and a great sense of humor. I love the fact that in times of despair they are there to restore and alleviate some of life's stresses momentarily.

Some of my most fondest people: Tina,Michelle and Mom

2.OUR "KEEP-IT-TOGETHER-NESS"
No one keeps it all together like my black sisters. We manage to keep our hair together, run a household, take classes, and work a full time job. We balance church with the gym. We make meals out of scraps. We have social lives as we carefully care for our children. Other races marvel at our tenacity and ability to manage so many things at one time.. Kudos, Girl.... keep doing your thing!

Working Girl

3.OUR BOLDNESS
If one thing is for sure, we do not shy when the opportunity to represent,speak up,correct and support comes. From Rosa Parks to Michelle Obama. From Oprah to Sybrina Fulton (Treyvon Martin's Mom).From Aretha to Billie Holiday.... we consistently deliver creativity and heart.We have the ability to shed light and bring about change. We motivate others in our various circles.. and it is an aspect that we do naturally. I am proud of all me women of color that speak from the heart and strategize from their minds..

IN THIS GYM... GOING HARD #TeamSideProfile

4.OUR LOYALTY
We are loyal to the core, no matter the area of our lives. A black woman will not turn her back on her children. If she is a professional, she is full of ambition excelling to the highest of heights. For her man, she will invest and love with all her heart. No one can pull her from her faith... she will trust in God without reservation and dedicate her life. A friend will be a friend for life, even if we have a disagreement or grow apart. I love the fact that I have grown with some of my friends. It is such a blessing to be surrounded by people I know will be there for me on both sunny and rainy days. <3

Me and Morrisa... #FriendsForever

5. OUR VARIETY
I love the versatility of women of color. Some go natural.. some look like Beyonce. Some are petite and some are Amazon women, but its all beauty. It shows the handiwork of our Lord and his divine creativity. We are unmatched. Some of our best physical features are given naturally as the others clamor to augment themselves. Celebrate yourselves! Variety is the spice of life! 

My little sister Alonee and I <3

From Abroad Series

Ebola....quickly reverts stigmas and stereotypes

Perhaps it is my aspirations of seeing the world that makes the Ebola crisis so scary and saddening. Or maybe it is the fact that so many people of color have been ravaged by it, and that was previously not enough to merit a valiant search for a cure or aid. Or maybe it is the fact that I know that morally and politically, America is not on the right tract. I know that judgement is past due for such an country that boldly challenges God which basically beckons him to respond in a way that forces every knee to bow and every tongue to confess. The fact that Ebola has now crossed international boundaries has brought much attention to it.... Futhermore, I can not fail to mention that white Americans that contracted it seemingly survived, although the African man that contracted it died... Many questions plague me, and make me feel so uneasy. Many Americans are so oblivious to matters outside of their own backyard. I feel deep pain for those that have already been touched by loss and grief of losing family to this virus. I read a story today in which some Nigerian students were rejected from an Texan college admission due to the fact that they were coming from 'a region with confirmed Ebola cases'. Its interesting how such things will quickly bring out deep seeded stereotypes. Suddenly every African is suspect for this disease? Since it is now present in the United States does that mean that make every Texan suspected? Or since one of the nurses exposed traveled to Ohio, does that put every Ohioian at risk? Dont get me wrong, I believe that precautions have to be taken and higher consideration must be taken especially with those that are traveling from infected regions... but that does not beckon ignorance... It never ceases to amaze me how primal humans become in crisis, pointing the fingers and shifting blame. Truth be told, I blame the medical community for turning their nose up at this situation and not being proactive because they obviously never saw the potential of it effecting them. I pray that it does not have the profund impact that my soul thinks it will.... Lord help us all  

Black women; The Example, The leaders and the standard

I ran across a random video on Facebook of a non black twerking contest and that's when it hit me why the world is so much more critical of women of color than everyone else, it is because we are the natural born leaders . We are so innovative ,beautiful, confident, and strong. We lead in many different roles...which other races struggle to manage.  We create fashion. .. have always been creative with our hair and nails. .... and although we are consistently criticized we are seemingly emulated from our innate style down to the way we shake our assets. Lets be honest, black women innovated lively dance. Europeans were always conservative in their delicate ballets while African women shook things up. .. twerking is borne to us. Once a white broad does it....they make a big deal. Even from slavery days black women have been superior. unfortunately the credits go unnoticed. We have to learn to find the strength from within to withstand all the derogatory factors around us designed to tear us down... and we have to learn not to ingest the foolishness. Taking it in and beginning to believe it will lead to depression, low self esteem, and dissastifaction in life in general. Take it from me, I know just how frustrating it can be. Im an emotional person and it rips me to the core to see black women be copied but not given credit, but I want to encourage you to stick to your core values when the going gets tough.. Do not give up, and do not give in. Continue to innovate and create. A copy can never be as plush as the original.......  

Handling Disappointment

This subject has been a lifeling lesson for me that i am still learning how to deal with. being raised to be responsible and dependable has cultivated a very result oriented mindset as well as taking things very personal if the desired outcome is not achieved. As a young person i never wanted to be thought of as the flaky one, the person who never answered their phone, the irresponsible, inconsiderate and selfish one. When people somehow let me down i would take it personally. ... not realizing people are socialized as such. If you are like me, you have to learn not to internalize the disappointment.You have to look for positives and draw from that. I know it sounds typical,but your life will become your mentality.

I'm Not Afriad

It takes courage to live in this world... and advocate for certain things... such as God's law, the definition of family, integrity and character. I takes boldness to speak up, and not let injustices happen in front of your face.. It take discipline to order your life, and live righteously even in the privacy of your home or where eyes can't see you... It is not easy feat, but I am not afraid. I am not afraid to be that strong person that I desire to see more prevalent. I am not afraid to transform my life as well.. that I can be an example for others that may struggle yet believe that they can do it. We live in a world where talking and typing are all the rage.. but what are you actually doing.. what steps are you actually taking to make an impact? Is simply stating your thoughts enough to make a difference? Is that enough to change this world? Often when I watch T.V. and witnesses come forth after something heinous has taken place.. the first thing they start talking about is the cardinal signs that they witnessed, yet chose to ignore. They start talking about perhaps what they could have done to change the outcome.. yet i have come to the conclusion talking IS NOT enough... feeling and thinking is not enough.. Ultimately, one will have to take some sort of heed to make a difference. I believe that this is one of the many reasons that our current American culture is so wavering in all that it stands for.. we have so many voices spouting out feelings.. and very few that stand strong and take action.  It takes courage which God has so graciously given me in abundance along with conviction... To overcome the lies we have all been told. I recently took my dream trip to London, United Kingdom and the trip changed me. I took the trip at a pivotal time. I had unexpectedly lost my job and had been experiencing other challenges that were simply leaving me feeling defeated. Coming abroad and seeing the way that the British do life greatly inspired me, and I returned home with a new sense of self..... and elevated ambition. I realized that simply existing is not the sum of life. It actually requires more....which can be summed up by leaving a positive impact. There are plenty evils that can seem to drown out good concepts, but if you forge through.... You will have accomplished the feat of leaving an impact, and no one can take that from you.

Learning to be thankful

Its unfortunate that it takes so much time and changes to bring us to realizations that should have always been evident. Over this past year i have learned so much. I finally realized my dream of traveling solo to London and was also let go abruptly the day before my trip from my job of nearly four years. I worked at an unconditioned warehouse for a month in the heat of summer... i learned my dreams are for me, not the world. I used to resent the people that depended on me for leadership, motivation and encouragement. I also hated my job. However, all these experiences propelled me into an exciting new chapter of my life... filled with adventure and hope. I've learned to embrace the platform that I have been given. To begin to see my beauty and intelligence as an attractive thing instead of a burden. I feel totally motivated and am working diligently towards future success. If you happen to be a person that has rarely experienced lack, I know that life may seem bleak and dis interesting, but I challenge yourself to see it in a different light. Take yourself to a homeless shelter. Ride a city bus into work.... look with unbridled sight into the life of someone less fortunate so that you may be able to enjoy the many blessings God has bestowed upon you. Our talents are not a vice, they are meant to be used and multiplied. Those of us with a sound mind are meant to perpetuate hope... not detail all that is wrong with the world. We have a tenacity that most long to possess.. let us be wise and operate in our purpose.

The J Talk Series: Black on Black Gun Violence

Why I Fell In Love With Africa

Growing up in the United states has not been a walk in the park. I have so many varied memories, and with me being a progressive person, I have spent many days, hours and years trying to understand the complexity that is of a colored person living and growing in the states. I have watched many of my peers progress smoothly through life, without delay, without depression as they pursue and achieve their dreams. I have watched close friends marry and have children, but their houses, finance that car they always wanted and pondered why my path could not also be so easily defined. Sometimes I even wondered if I was crazy and imagining all the boundaries that I have been confronted with until I found others that experience it too. I tried to find solace among my peers only to be rejected by their insecurities. I tried to bridge the gap as well with the others races only to be met with ignorance and resistance. I felt lost, undefined and saddened, that even in the largest most diverse country I was still a loner and an outsider. It was a combination of all these factors that cultivated my love and fascination of Africa and Africans. Over the years, I was always received and perceived well among Africans. I noticed how they didn't suffer with the same identity crisis that black Americans struggle with. Somehow even with their great journeys an sacrifice to move here and start again, they had unwavering purpose. The men have always been respectful, generous and encouraging and not to mention strikingly gorgeous. To date I have not been able to establish the sort of relationship that I would like with the ladies, outside of my inlaws. I could always see the beauty in them, and the strength of their character although many Americans have them pegged wrongly. I have made lifelong friends with Africans and felt at ease, as if i didn't need to change this skin or aspire to be anything else. When I think about Africa, I am met with great mystery. I wonder what the experience of traveling there will be, as I will more than likely visit west Africa first. I wonder if I will be just seen as another tourist and not as someone of color. 

The Black Trophy Wife....A Rare Concept.

Its very interesting the journey that some of us women of color take. Some grow up with a silver spoon and are left searching and unsatisfied, and the rest grow up with lack and grow up longing and empty. In a culture where lack is way more common (which this article is specifically for my single American black women), the concept of the trophy wife is not  popularly discussed or even a concept that many relate too. Early in my blog I discussed the difference between the passionate model of relationship versus the provider type of relationship. It has occurred to me, that more often these days, Black women are growing up seeking the passionate model, yet a few have managed to bag a provider. We fantasize about having a man take care of us financially, and provide us the finer things... never knowing what that entails. White women are more familiar with being a trophy wife, but today I want to dispel some things that go along with your provider.
Simply put, as intelligent individuals we observe life, and naturally focus on what we do well. We sometimes learn how to manipulate the system to get what it is we want. Based on what assets one has will determine their approach. Commonly men that lack means will use charisma and sex to attract a woman. They struggle to do anything related to commitment and also lack follow through. So in this model you can live with, have children with and spend years together without any level of planned progress. The minute you try to suggest structure, this type of man will buck up against you. These types tend to be confident, handsome, very passionate, good in bed, funny, lovable and convincing.

Conversely the Provider will be built differently. He is not impulsive and believes in making a plan for mostly everything. He has gone to school, has a nice car,money saved, is independent yet introverted. He lacks social skills and or has little to none relationship experience. He lacks confidence, and uses the material things he has acquired to attract a woman. He offers her security and commitment sometimes at the expense of emotional connection and intimacy. In public, the provider will praise his wife, but in his home he will retreat. Such behavior will leave his mate feeling perplexed and lonely, meanwhile all your friends and family will adore your husband, as he has the best image in public. Your provider is likely to silence your complaints with gifts and material things while the passion has nothing to offer you but words.

Therefore it is my assumption that whichever side of the coin you land on, be prepared for the associated costs of that selection. The provider will come with a more complex set as the issues the passion are more trivial. No matter what, remember to keep calm and carry on...... :-)